What Do You Fear?

“But I’m scared of your health....”

Wow, that’s a loaded statement now isn’t it? Who isn’t scared of (or for) their health when they’ve got a chronic, non-curable, progressive and unpredictable disease? And what if you have more than one....

Well, that’s a whole hell of a lot of fear which one could carry around!! I don’t know about you but my load is heavy enough to carry alone without adding anyone else’s to it.

What do people naturally do when they are afraid? They avoid things associated with those fears, whether directly or indirectly. Does that make the source of fear go away? No.

Here, let me share something. I’m afraid of what the future holds. I’m afraid of what MS and RA have the power to do to my life, if I give them full reign. I’m afraid of that evil monster of mine which goes by the name of depression. I truly hate that little beast which hangs around just thrilled when it gets fed big healthy meals of fear and loathing.

Yep, I used the word loathing. I sometimes loath my life (just a tiny little). I am not doing what I had ever pictured and do not have the life I had dreamed of. I didn’t spend 10 years on college campuses earning various degrees to NOT be a college professor and/or full-time symphony musician. I never planned to spend the fist half of my 30’s networking, working hard, getting known in the area to have health issues come in and chop down my dreams during the 2nd half.

Please don’t get me wrong. I LOVE teaching music lessons, especially when the students develop a similar taste for the challenge. I’m THRILLED that I’m able to make a difference in the lives of others whether in my teaching, in my spoken words, in my written words, or even in nonverbal acts of kindness. I never thought that I would be doing what I do now (teaching privately and writing) but find that it fits me well.

I am BLESSED beyond measure that I am safe, have a roof over my head, will never go hungry, and am able to use my mind and talents to earn a little bit of a living. But I can’t do these things alone and I NEED more in my life.

Not only do I need to be loved, I need to FEEL loved. I need to be able to share the joy of being loved and cared for with others around me. Love does not survive in a vacuum. It needs air, food, sunshine, water, and space. It needs to breathe, too.

If I do not feel truly loved and supported (really, truly, deep down, regardless of words spoken), that void serves to feed the depression monster. When depression grows and gets strong again, it negatively affects my health. Depression loves when that happens, oh boy does it.

When depression settles in, it likes to take away the enthusiasm for healthy living, both physical and mental. Then depression serves heaping piles of deconditioning, poor food and sleep choices, and inflammation to the MS and RA critters. They LOVE that!!

As MS and RA get stronger, I get more fearful (as I’m sure others do too). So, PLEASE, don’t fear my health.....I carry enough of that already for both of us. In fact, it would be wonderful if you could help to share my load and take some of the burden away.

Can we do that in the coming year - live by the “burden shared is burden halved” philosophy? I’d like that.

With some pondering this week, I realize that I’m around the same age that my grandmother was when she had her first heart attack, which is also around the same time I was born. I am the exact same age that my mother was when her mother died. I’m also about the same age as my other grandmother was when her first grandchild was born. I have not had any children as of yet.

Timelines seem to be on my mind lately. But please let’s not fear the future; it will be there, worries or not.